Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

Every
Single
Year

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

If only

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?