Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

For real 🤣

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space