Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

How to walk around a museum

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.