bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
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Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.