bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

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My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.


Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now


Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can’t tipfinger


I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”


[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.


it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..


Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!


Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.


I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.


Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.