@pro_worrier_
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
@IndecisiveJones
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
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@pro_worrier_
@rebrafsim
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
@AshleyGriffo_
Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can’t tipfinger
@KelFocker
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
@NewDadNotes
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
@_tomcrowley
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
@FriedWords
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
@LostFelicia
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
@TigNotaro
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
@writersdream
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.