Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?