Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks