Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

Posting this on behalf of a friend

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.