Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*