Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

lmfao come on

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

your daddy is a what now?

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)