Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
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i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Breaking news:
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.