Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.