Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

did it work

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

this is the best interaction on twitter

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory