Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot