Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.