Bartenders are just boneless bars
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This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.