Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
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Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night