Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.