Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.