Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.