[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
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Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not