hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
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You can’t rush stupid.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
goldfish mafia
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!