[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
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I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
My good tweets are in my other pants.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.