@DillDoes

[Bar]
“What’ll you have”
Scotch
“You want it neat”
No thanks
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*
Thanks

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@rinbcage

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

@Kendragarden

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

@SimplySnaccbar

[Dating week 1]

Me: I’ll have a salad and a glass of water, watching my figure ahaha

[Dating week 4]

Me: I will have one of every item on the Taco Bell menu and ALL the coffee you can find within a fifty mile radius do NOT disappoint me

@BlindChow

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

@TurnpikeTony

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

@crushingbort

one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell

@thesulk

How do male civil unions not end with the phrase “I dude”?