Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 馃槀馃ぃ
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I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Accidentally sent a guy a 馃槈 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron鈥檚 Wife.
Me: but he鈥檚 not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he鈥檚 definitely scared to tell his wife.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I鈥檝e had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
If you鈥檙e looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it鈥檚 in, hit me up.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 馃檮
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.