Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

Get in loser we’re going crying

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.