Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

Love thy neighbor’s dog

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

Saw this yesterday lol

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?