Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
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facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*