Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

who’s gonna tell her?

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

*launders Kohls cash*

What legos do when we’re not looking.

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*