Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
This guy’s not having it 😆
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet