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Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Nothing to do, you say?
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!