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Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Its a hippotatomus
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Good morning
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Leonardo DiCaprisun
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?