Based Erika
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I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
every. time.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
when revenge coincides with naptime
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
dril cadence
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it