Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
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Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second