Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify