Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
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me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Same pineapple, same
My inexpensive home security system…
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one