Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
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The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer