Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
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Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Interior designer.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.