Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.