Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
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Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!