Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
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interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again