Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

Interior design 👌

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

October already? What’s next? November????

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant