Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

hi why am I like this

Good morning

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.