Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
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This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this