Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
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Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
the only bumper sticker ill allow
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.