Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.