Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accurate

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.