Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
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I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”