Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

My dad is at it again

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*