Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?