Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it