Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

Noah was an idiot.

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird