Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
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Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
That was easy.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
