Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
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my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.