Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?