Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”