Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
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Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
a public service announcement
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Still cracks me up
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.