Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

I wish all tests were things you peed on

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

Oh my God.

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]