@NervousJr

Based on how many times I’ve dropped my phone, I’m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.

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@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said that my 5 year old gets really hyper because of the sugar he has at breakfast so I think I’ll stop putting it in his coffee.

@EJGomez

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

@Brampersandon_

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

@pinupteacher

All I’m saying is God wouldn’t have given me this wild hair if he didn’t want me to store stuff in it.

*baby hedgehog peaks out*

@warhorse76

If she runs away I will pursue her. But since she possesses superior footspeed and cardio I may have to borrow someone’s bicycle.

@BackrowSeats

Log Entry 21: it’s been 3 weeks & we’re still lost in this Macy’s. We were forced to eat Amy. Polo ties are now 40% off.

@HomeWithPeanut

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

@WordUpBitch

The second I feel pressured to do something, I’m out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it’s bath time.

@Shh182

I didn’t fart, I flirted. That was a flirt!
*runs away flirting*

@ComedicBust

[History Channel]

Veteran: [terrified] And then he died.

Reporter: But what was it like only having to memorize 1 password for everything?