6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
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Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle