Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
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[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
You wish you had this many chins.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
They also CAN sing✌️
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast