Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
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*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension