Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
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*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
This forever.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.