Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

Tower: Where are you, pilot?

Pilot: I’m over Cologne.

Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop