Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
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My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
