Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
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Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Room with a view.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
The asteroid..
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.