Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
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When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
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What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
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I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?