Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
You Might Also Like
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I missed you with all my darts
I stand by it
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.