Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
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Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I came this close!!!!
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it