Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
If only.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!