Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
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When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese