Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
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Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.