Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
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Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
who will stop them
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age