Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
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No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
lmao
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
this is a sign that you need a union
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times