Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
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– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
