Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
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me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…