Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
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Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean