Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
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A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
The three genders
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way