Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

For anyone who needs this today

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.