Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

🐶😂

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”