Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
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Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
😭😭
What do you text your spouse?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Y’all ready for this
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.