Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

They got a point!

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy