Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
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Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
If I ignore life will it go away?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar